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July 17, 2015

Okay: The best thing to say to a man 99% of the time.

It took me a while to really grasp this concept.

Imagine your man suddenly says to you, “I’ve decided to spend my half of the savings on a new motorcycle.”

Or, “We need a break.”

Or, “I’ve decided against going to your sister’s wedding with you next week.”

Without a doubt you’d drop what you’re doing and snap your neck in his direction and begin asking:

“WHAT?!” “What do you mean?” “What are you talking about?”

At this point, tempers would be high. Your man would begin explaining all his reasons, or he’d sit quietly as he watched you combust.

Your combustion would include all the reasons why he SHOULD do this, or SHOULD NOT spend half the savings and so on.

You’d have a flurry of questions. Many of his answers you’d automatically dismiss because in your mind, you already know all the reasons why he should do or should not do a certain thing.

We have all had arguments go this way.

In the end, we may win our point and the savings is not withdrawn. Your guy may begrudgingly go to the wedding. But have you really won anything this way?

What if you decided to just say, “Ok” to him?

Try this yourself. Put your man in front of you and imaging him dropping a bomb, big or little. Let’s suppose he said, “I’ve decided skip Cancun with you and take a vacation on my own this year.”

Imagine you only say, “Ok.”

Then stop.

Fight the urge to talk. Stay silent.

There will be an undeniable energy shift because you are not reacting as he expected, and instead of arguing and defending, he is left holding the bag of whatever deed he is choosing to do (or not do).

By not escalating the deal, your man is left with his own words inside his mouth. Once the silence sinks in, which takes about 5 seconds, he will get a good taste of his words and he might decide to spit the whole bitter deal out. Or at least calmly rethink things.

If he does drop the whole idea, let him. He might come up with reasons that are about you, as excuses for changing his mind. But if he changes his mind to something more favorable (in your opinion) let him make the excuses he needs.

If he decides to take the money out of the savings, and you’re married and share an account, he can do this anyway, no matter how much you put up a fight. Your odds of him being more reasonable about this type of thing are greater if you do not react, and simply say, “Ok.”

Nothing positive is ever gained through force. If you use force though your words or actions, such as arguing or manipulation, this will breed resentment and be a great stress on your physical body.

I’m not suggesting you be a doormat.

You ultimately have to make the decision to stay with or leave a man who is taking advantage of you and the relationship. But there is always a third alternative, and that is to work through it in a brand new way.

By saying “Ok” and not reacting as you normally would, you open him up and dialogue can begin on his terms. Defenses will be dropped.

4 Comments

  1. Mark says:

    The great thing about this concept is that as a guy, we don’t want to argue over stuff, and yes we say stupid stuff we later regret. My mom used to use OK on me quite a lot as a teenager, and it got me in my head instead of arguing. Good stuff.

  2. Sara says:

    Great article. I’ve done something like this with my guy where I just go quiet. Then he starts asking me if I am angry with him, and yes, I am so we usually end up fighting. I’m going to try this out and see how it works. For sure seems more peaceful and practical. Esp. the part about not forcing anything, so true. Nothing works that way I have learned the hard way.

  3. Penny says:

    Adrienne, This is fabulous! What a great way to communicate and de-personalize what could turn into a confrontation instead of a conversation. It will effectively dismantle the defenses and create a comfortable environment to do the work needed in any relationship struggle!

    You really have something great going here and you will help so many Relationships!

    We all need to learn this lesson!

    So Good! Penny

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