It can feel scary when a man suddenly needs space or acts distant.
Dear Diamond Girls,
With many of my coaching clients, our Inner Boy or Masculine Energy takes over and wants to manage a man, ESPECIALLY when he asks for space or gets distant.
I admit, this was a big issue for me. My Inner Boy wanted to swoop in and solve whatever was going on and put my counseling training to use.
I wanted things back to ‘normal’ with my guy, including cuddles, love and time together. I did not understand the VALUE in ‘separation desire’ which is the opposite of ‘separation anxiety.’
And yes, I coined that term, ‘separation desire.’ 🙂
Separation Desire is a natural need for Autonomy
For men, autonomy allows them to think and process their feelings.
Women need to talk their feelings out in most cases.
Can you see the Feminine & Masculine clash here? Men need space to THINK and women need someone to share their FEELINGS.
DID YOU KNOW: Men chemically need time away from a woman to recharge their testosterone? Also, guys can get grumpy and introverted at times. Men need feelings of freedom and some silence to “feel like the man” again.
When you lean back, you get much needed clarity.
Years ago I was dating a man that I felt could be the “one.” Yet he often behaved aloofly and could be the classic “hot and cold” type of man. I never felt secure for very long and it felt awful.
Even though I was extremely scared to honor his need for space, and have radio silence between us, I knew that inching forward only pushed him away.
I knew in my heart that I did not want to pursue a man to get love or attention.
I felt so vulnerable that first night, leaning back and not texting him to check in.
My first night without his call, cuddles or time together left me crying in the shower and feeling abandoned.
I decided to care for my Diamond Girl self with a hair treatment mask, body scrub and moisturizer. I went to bed feeling a new connection with myself.
The next day instead of checking my phone every other minute, I turned my phone off completely for 3 hours. At first, I was panicked to do so, but I soon found freedom in not checking in and being tethered. I didn’t do this to punish the man, I did this to gain my freedom and learn to SUPPORT MYSELF emotionally.
To my surprise, letting go and leaning back worked in an amazing self-growth way!
My vibe shifted into feelings of freedom and confidence. Things in life began to turn around for me quickly. New opportunities opened up and I returned to my healthy routine.
I felt good about myself instead of having feelings of being set aside and I stopped obsession over a man who was not available.
I let go of trying to control the relationship. This doesn’t mean foregoing MY BOUNDARIES or core relationship values. In fact, I was taking care of ME, which is a primary Feminine Energy value.
Four days dragged past with no sign of this man I had been regularly dating. I worried if Leaning Back pushed him away, or was this his passive way of breaking up with me?
The waiting and limbo had felt like solitary confinement, and solitary confinement is inhumane.
So I decided to no longer punish myself for the man’s actions or inaction.
I decided if I didn’t hear back in 24 hours, I was single and back to Quantum Dating others. I had my script prepared to send to Mr. Hot & Cold.
I sent the following text: “Hello, I miss connecting with you. I understand you need some time, yet I’m unsure where we stand. Part of dating is learning how to solve conflict. If we aren’t on the same page, I’m going to be moving on.”
I never heard back from this man and I was fine with that.
Yes it stung to be rejected, but I was proud of taking ownership of my life instead of that awful limbo feeling.
With practice, I got acclimated to enjoying some space from the man in my life. At first it was simple because reuniting felt so good! Then my connection to life outside of my relationship deepened.
In my future relationship, the more comfortable I got with my world and my life, the more my man wanted to be around me.
Interesting how leaning back works! 🙂
Here are a few tools I practice:
I made sure to speak less at times and allow for some silence so my guy could have space to speak.
I made plans with my friends and family to give him breaks to recharge.
I developed my life and personality away from the relationship. He was keenly interested in what I was doing too!
I praised the good in our relationship and nitpicked for perfection less.
All of these things led to my Happily Every After.
If you need scripting advice on-the-go, treat yourself to my Answer Cards, here.
May you have much success with your time + space and reap all the wonderful benefits that come with Feminine Energy!