We shared so much in common: amazing chemistry, passion, love, he was SO sweet, and made me laugh. Why wasn’t it working?
Shortly after my divorce was finalized, I dated a man who took financial advantage of me and left me immensely brokenhearted.
He came on hot and heavy, was dreamily agreeable, and everything was always perfect with him. Then when job loss made my financial situation take an abrupt turn, he began creating arguments, and finding reasons to need time alone. 30-days later he walked out of my life for good.
My knees hit the ground hard.
I was livid. I was incredibly hurt. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. But I didn’t.
Even though I was on the angry side of the coin, I held my emotions in and boldly went on with my life. It was going to take a supernatural occurrence to move me into grief.
Angry thoughts festered in my mind. How dare this LOSER waltz into my life, sweep a new divorcee off her feet, make me believe we were going to be together forever, and then bolt when the money was gone! I was deeply depressed – I didn’t know who I was outside of a relationship. I had been married for nearly 10 years and before that I had a long-term boyfriend.
I was divorced, without a job, and newly dumped. Anger fueled my thoughts during the day and depression swallowed me at night.
Then four months later a new guy rolled into my life. He made me laugh. He held me as I cried. He had his own wounds to bear, and was only five months into ending a 15-year relationship. He proudly boasted he had conquered his pain and that one day I would too.
But I didn’t want to conquer my pain. Pain had become my identity.
In theory I wanted to feel better, but the only way I thought that would happen was if the money-grubber came back crawling on his knees, begging forgiveness, and professing his undying love for me. For some stupid reason I was still in love with this guy.
The sadness of it all ending was overwhelming. I clung to my past and felt perpetually stuck.
I wanted to make the ex-guy pay for the hurt he had caused me. I had revenge fantasies, wrote him letters asking how dare he betray me, and at least every few weeks I let him know I was still hurting over the abandonment. He never replied.
Since I was failing at recognizing my sadness disguised as anger, I took it out on everyone around me – especially the new guy.
I pushed and pushed the New Guy away – which only made him pursue me more at first. I was snippy, in foul moods, irritated much of the time, and had bouts of rage. The worst part was that most of my anger and agitation was aimed at my new guy since he was the only one willing to be around me.
Eventually my anger and all its side effects drove the new guy away.
As soon as he was gone from my life, I experienced an awakening. It was the shock to my system that I needed!
I spent time processing all the things I had found wrong with the new guy. How he combed or didn’t comb his hair, how he chewed his food, and so on. I realized by finding any fault in him possible, I could distance him from my heart, and therefore never again feel abandonment or pain.
Of course all of these behaviors were something I was doing on a subconscious level.
I had no idea how much grief work I would be doing.
Around that same time I discovered my coach and mentor, Rori Raye, and learned about something called;
The Stranger is an identity or ego state within – that often runs the show in your life.
It’s not a multi-personality thing! Simply put, as we grow up and mature we develop different states of being. That’s why you’re one person around your mom, and another person around your best friend.
I don’t like to think about those dark days of sadness and how stuck I felt. Anger ruled my life and my Stranger showed up in controlling and downright abusive ways. It also cost me a good relationship with a great guy.
I am, however, grateful that I had helpful tools, and I was courageous enough to work through my grief.
If you have ever encountered an agitated, easily irritated, angry, moody person, who finds all sorts of faults with you, or starts arguments over things that happened years ago – you can about be guaranteed they have unresolved grief and sadness.
In a relationship you should be able to ask a question, and have needs and wants expressed without abrasive criticism. You should be forgiven of the past without eternal damnation.
I truly came out on the other side by processing the loss of my marriage, confronting the anger of being duped by the taker, and understanding why I lost the new guy. I made it to the other side and so can you!