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January 23, 2016

The Unearned Favor – Giving to Get From Your Man

When you are not getting enough time, love, affection, or attention from your man it really takes a toll on your self-esteem. You begin to doubt yourself, and behave in ways that create more distance in the relationship.

One of these behaviors is: Doing For Your Man.

Women will do things for men in hopes of: pleasing him, keeping him happy, keeping him from cheating, hoping he will love you more, or see how great you are,  or get addicted to you, and deep down you hope he will reciprocate all the good things you are doing for him… and spend the night, call you more, ask you to marry him…

I spoke to five male friends of mine and asked them what they’d think if a woman they were dating cooked them fancy dinners, and waited on them hand and foot. I told them to assume there was no reason to celebrate with an elaborate meal, and no one had a broken leg or any real cause to be waited upon…

“What if she goes out of her way to help you,” I asked, “…or gives you unexpected gifts. What if she cleaned your house or car? What would you think of this woman?”

To my surprise, ALL of these men began their answer with a proud giggle… Their ego’s love the attention, yet their fascination with a Giver doesn’t last for long…

All of these men had dated a woman or two that had gone out of their way to give or do for them, and NONE of these men were still with their devoted Giver…

Here is what two of them had to say:

“It seemed really nice of her at first… but it has to be a two-way street. I dated a girl who would cook me dinner all the time. Her cooking was great, I gained 5-pounds! But I felt like I had to sleep over after, she expected this of me… Then dinners were happening three to five nights a week… I had other things I needed to do, and I started to feel suspicious, suffocated, and anxious around her…”

“I dated a really sweet girl who would clean my house if I was out of town! One day she just up and cleaned my car, detailed it inside and out. I thought all of this was really nice of her, but my house and car are my business. And I couldn’t help but think, why is she doing all of this? She didn’t have to of course. I mean, I wasn’t cleaning her car or anything, and I wasn’t even that into her, and I think she always knew that. I felt like she was doing these things so I’d like her more. It felt weird, and I felt I owed her… which I didn’t want to do.”

In relationship coaching, I have spoken to women who often clean their boyfriend’s house, and I speak to a lot of women who regularly cook for their man out of duty, a little showing off, domesticating his heart, and what they consider “niceness”.  This action may please him at first, yet over time it can begin to cause distance.

20051866_mEven though doing nice things for your man seems like a way to get closer to him, and show him you care, more often it can send a guy into a vague, sometimes mysterious assessment of your motives. If he’s feeling suspicious, he is not connecting to your heart…

A guy can sense a motive or action to trap or capture him from 100 miles away…

Men have exceptional senses when it comes to being tied down in any way. There is no tricking a man here, be it seduction, the art of cooking, or being needy and helpless without him.

Guys are sharp and mindful of women who do things to pull their heart strings.

Listen to your tummy: What does your intuition have to say about this? Would you want a man who sticks around only because you do things for him? Is this the love your heart truly desires? Are you in a place of selfishness and control, or love?

Here is how you can reverse this pattern – even if you’ve already got your man accustomed to being waited on hand and food… or if you’re doing his laundry… It’s not too late to subtly and slowly set some boundaries and reclaim your worth. The goal is to activate his love and appreciation for you without lifting your little finger!

  • If you find yourself voluntarily doing, doing, and doing for him – back off. Start slowly so he won’t feel whiplash. Many men become helpless feeling, in their feminine energy because you’ve been in your masculine energy of doing. Start slowly so his masculine energy can get activated.
  • Reclaim your personal power, and DO for You! What have you been putting off for years now that you have always wanted to try, or get back into? Make a list of ten things and pick one! Do one new thing this week and see how you feel, and watch his curiosity and admiration for you grow.
  • Set a personal boundary – many women have trouble saying no, or feel useful when doing for others. Notice this pattern in your family… Was Grandma’s career to wait on everyone and fix all the food? Did Mom always load the dishwasher because “dad didn’t know how.” When you give a man the space to do for you (and the family), and the praise and warmth for his efforts, you connect to his heart in a way that makes him feel like a powerful provider! Men love this feeling, and they relish in pleasing every woman in their life – be it their mom, sister, daughter, or wife/girlfriend.
  • Show him love without doing anything… Just be warm if your man comes toward you.  Smile at him, tell him how great his arms feel around you, how good he makes you feel. Tell him how delicious and good your tummy feels after the meal he purchased or cooked for you.  Watch his face for a reaction… he will eat it up 🙂

Take a good look at all the ways you are in your masculine energy and doing for your man, and instead allow him to be the man.  It may take a while for the tides to turn but when they do, you will have a proud masculine man by your side, one who values his soft feminine woman.

This is one of the BIG secrets to keeping his heart close to yours!

If you would like to learn all the secrets, scripting, and more consider starting with a complimentary coaching session.

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