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September 1, 2015

The Dangers of Living Together, And What You Can Do About It

Yes, a live-in relationship does have something to do with not purchasing a bovine.

I refuse to actually write out that tired old cliché. Please ponder the following:

  • Why buy Wi-Fi if you can hop on an unsecured network for free?
  • Why buy an original Louis Vuitton handbag when you can get a knock-off?
  • Why buy an album or pay for a movie admission when you can download them off priate-bay?

In this day of rampant technology and online shopping sites with quality replicas, it’s likely you’ve participated in a few of these activities with little or no conscience.

Here’s the harsh reality – if you are living with a man before marriage, (or have failed to set a wedding date if engaged) this creates a space where further commitment can easily be dismissed or avoided – as if it were nothing more than hopping onto your neighbors wifi.

Your value as a precious, sought after woman of high value becomes spoiled by the fact you are giving it all away so freely.

Don’t blame the guy.  They are hardwired to be this way.  Their goal is to pursue, chase, and claim high-value women to produce top-quality offspring.  They are pursing this assignment until death, even if only by fantasizing privately in their thoughts.

Some couples view cohabitation as a trial marriage run. Ironically living together is more of a trial divorce course. According to statistical data most marriages that end in divorce began with cohabitation.

But if you’re reading this blog post, you are most likely deep in cohabitation and worrying that you will forever be a live-in girlfriend/roommate, or a perpetually engaged fiancée.

In my blog and newsletter I share helpful tips, tools, and advice that can turn relationships around, and create strong lasting love. I can absolutely help you get your man to commit, and graduate from just living together status, but before I do any of that, I’m going to share with you what I feel is the Ultimate Bonus Item in the “business of living together”.

Let me begin with a true story about a 42 year-old man I knew. He and his partner were among the super-cool who did not need a piece of paper to declare themselves married. They were tied at the heart and that was good enough for them.  At first, many women (and men) are very relaxed about this type of loose agreement, sharing love and building a life together are enough. But things can get complicated and as they typically do, can change on a dime.

The aforementioned guy messed up, had an affair, and was exiled from the home. For 15-years he had worked and contributed to their dream. That means he was in his late 20’s when they first moved in together, and for years now he had contributed to expenses and a mortgage which was only in her name.  Did I mention she was a CPA?

In fact much of his finances and free time had gone into building a dream he realized later, was mostly her desires. Bottom line, he walked away homeless, with nothing but a broken heart to show for his invested 15 years.

Even though he cheated, do you think this was a fair deal?

This happens to women too. We trust the man we are with. We assume we know the law, and feel safe having common-law marriage (if it even exists in your state) as a safety-net. We pool our savings together with a man, and share bank accounts. We are blinded by love, become dependent, and are blissfully unaware that things can dissolve quickly.

You can lose your home, your shared savings, and not even have enough money to hire an attorney to fight for you. This nearly happened to a woman I know who was suffering with a chronic health condition. Her fiancé of 4 years came home one evening and announced that things were over, and he could get the District Attorney to “kick her out of the house”. Thankfully, we were able to turn her situation completely around within about one month’s time.

So if you find yourself in an extended live-in situation with a man, where your finances and belongings are mingled – and even though things are going great, the topic of marriage gets skirted and you’re beginning to feel anxious… here are four steps to live by NOW.

  1. Get educated. Part of knowing your worth is knowing how much you can lose of your personal self and your personal finances. Know the common-law-marriage rules for your state. Take a look at your bank accounts and ask what would you do if these accounts were wiped out? Being smart, knowing the facts, and being prepared are all part of knowing your worth. Women who are on top of their game do not get abandoned without two nickels to rub together. Know your worth and secure your finances. This education will be part of upping your value in his eyes and protecting yourself.
  2. Change Your Routine and Take A Solo Trip.  One reason your guy is not seeking further commitment or marriage with you is because you have become reliable, safe, and always available to him. The small act of changing your daily routine will shift your vibe in the relationship instantly.  Changes in your daily routine will offset that feeling of predictability he has grown so accustomed to. If the topic of marriage has been skirted in your last discussion, I suggest dropping the topic and taking a trip all by yourself or with some girlfriends as soon as you can. Your guy needs to know what an empty house sounds like, and this will give him some much needed alone time to think.  By taking a small trip without him, you are showing him that you are as free as a bird and can leave at any moment.
  3. Go back to being the way you were when you and your guy first met. When your guy first met you, he was drawn to you because you were desirable, interesting, valuable, and busy with your own life. He knew if he didn’t step up his game he was going to lose you to someone else. Then slowly over time You did less and less for You. You gave more and more to him or “Us”. Go back to being the woman he fell for. The woman who was independent, carefree and had her own goals and life. For every hour he spends on activities he loves and does without you, spend 1.5 hours on yourself, be it self-growth, hobbies, exercise, or personal goals.26199812_s
  4. Know what you want. For three years I had been dating a man I met in college, and a year after graduation it was evident he intended to keep me as long-term girlfriend/roommate goods. I let him know I wanted a secure, mature, loving and long-lasting committed relationship with one person. Notice I did not say, “with you”. I let him know it was what I wanted with “someone”.  He gave me a long lecture about “autonomy” which was just a bunch of words to say he wasn’t into the idea of seriously committing to me.  So I bravely walked out of his life.  Six weeks later he showed up at my job with red roses in hand begging to see me again so we could “talk about us”. If you’re at your breaking point, letting a man clearly know what you want is the “hail Mary pass” to find out if he is either in or out. At some point you may have to let him know what you need, and that if it’s not mutual you will be moving on. This move can activate him to step up and claim you fast. Or he will shrink away into the background.

Before getting to step four, there are many other options and tools you can use to pull your man closer and activate his desire to claim you and advance the relationship beyond just living together.

 

I’m here to talk!  If you would like to schedule a complimentary 30-minute coaching consultation with me, please use the form on the Contact Page.

3 Comments

  1. RoseRed says:

    I’ve been living with my guy for so long I feel like his wife and we even have a child together. Still, I want to be married for legal reasons and because of how I feel in my heart. He gets angry every time I bring up the issue and says it is just a way for the government to take our money. I can’t leave him. What should I do?

    • admin says:

      Hi Rose Red,

      I’m hearing a lot of fear and urgency about your situation. When we lean forward or push a man to do what we want he will often dig in his heels and resist. A man will respond much better when we open our heart and express our feelings in a way that does not blame or judge. I can help you with scripting so the next time you speak with him about the possibility of marriage we can have things go a little differently.

  2. Thanks extremely useful. Will share site with my friends

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